Existing Without Living
by tsukikomew
Summary: Six years after the end of season 2 finds Damon in the city of Love. There he meets someone from his past and decides if he's been existing or living all these years. A one-shot for TwilightElena.


Disclaimer: I own nothing.

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He stood against a white pillar, reclining leisurely against it. He was decked out in a black tuxedo, the crisp white skirt unbuttoned slightly, resting casually against his pale features. His lips were pressed in a hard line, his brow furrowed. The wind rustled his dark hair and he glanced around the crowded gala. He had been here for a few hours, opting to arrive when the party started versus hours later. He hadn't noticed it until now, that subtle smell of honeysuckle.  
>He hadn't smelled it in nearly six years and it struck an odd chord in him. He felt his heart clench when it assaulted him as the wind blew. He pressed his glass of bourbon to his lips and sipped the amber liquid, allowing the comforting burn to distract him.<p>

He turned to the left and glanced over at the Eiffel Tower, its lights reflecting off the Seine. He had been here a few weeks and already he was tiring of the sights. France was not like his Italy. It was cold to him, too crowded, too cramped, and much too lonely. It had once comforted him when he was barely a newborn vampire; the sights and sounds too much for his American upbringing. He had found solace in Marie then, a pretty thing she was. He had spent nearly a decade in the city, keeping her in luxury as she kept him fed. It had been a shame when she had died of tuberculosis.

After Marie he had returned to the States, hunting Stefan down. He hadn't been pleased to see him brooding and buried in self-hate. Stefan had been the one who made him, who had been ruthless in his killings. He wanted deeper pain and suffering for his brother and he made sure Stefan knew who was dealing it out.

The city had changed since then. When he had left, the city had been rebuilding after the devastation of The Second World War. Some of his favorite places had been destroyed but the city had not let it stop them. The city glittered now, showing off it's beauty once more. The food had remained the same although some of the people became less French and more American. He hated the McDonalds and other American staples taking over an older, historic city.

He had spent the last three years in Italy, at his villa. He had found no solace there but had remained out of his love for the country. He had released all of his help choosing to live there alone, save for the woman who delivered him groceries once a week. She was superstitious enough and refused to bring his food inside, choosing instead to leave it by the door. The old ones still remembered vampires; it was only the young ones who scoffed at the idea.

There is was again! That scent, that mouth-watering scent struck him again. He glanced around once more but noticed nothing abnormal. Couples paired off and danced under the moonlight while those unattached talked and drank the night away. He moved aside and headed for the bar, his glass empty. He handed it off to a waiter, grasping one hor d'oeuvre in hand. He put the small item in his mouth and glanced around once more.

A tall blonde woman walked past him, nearly suffocating him with her perfume. Honeysuckle radiated off her in a nearly off-putting way. If he had been a man he barely would have noticed but with the perks at his disposal...well he ran the other way. His current pursuit forgotten, he headed for the river. The lower patio wasn't being used for the party tonight and he could escape the obnoxious scent.

The steps were nearly hidden, ivy had grown over them in the past few years. He turned to glance at the glittering partygoers but turned back to the darkness in front of him. That is what his life felt like now. He could join the party, drink and eat for hours but when it was over, he was alone. He had always been alone, always preferred the darkness over the light. The light always reminded him of what he couldn't have, couldn't deserve. The darkness was safer, free of rejection and free of loss. He had suffered so much loss.

It was dark down by the river, the only light from the city surrounding him. He reached into his pocket, picking out one lone coin. He played with it for a moment, twirling it between his fingers. He remembered for a moment the chocolate hair, her watery eyes, the softness of her skin. He remembered the last words they exchanged and the last moment he saw her, unknown to her. He glanced at his watch for a moment, noting the 1am time.

It was getting late, the city beginning to shut down. He noticed the party still in full swing but the rest of the city was quieting. He looked back at the dark water and tossed the coin into the river. He watched it hit the water, causing ripples. He watched as it sank until he couldn't see it any longer. He grasped the stone railing for moment, feeling it cracking under the pressure.

He smelled it again, the honeysuckle, but this time it was softer. Underneath it was a hint of violets and jasmine, taking him back to the last time he smelled it. She had been standing in his room, her hands on her hips. She had glared at him, demanding to know why his room was nearly empty of his things. He had seen the pain in her eyes as he lied to her, telling her he was bored and tired of this town.

"You told me once you couldn't lose me." He turned at the soft voice and froze. She was here, standing there in a beautiful dress smelling of violets, jasmine, and honeysuckle. She hadn't changed much in six years. Her hair was longer and her face was more defined now. Her body seemed fuller, curves had rounded yielding to her growth. She was a woman now, no longer burdened by her youth and inexperience. Her eyes were different, holding more sadness and sorrow then she should have to deal with in her life.

"Elena." That was all he could say to her, all he could manage when facing her years later. She moved forward with grace, her heels clicking lightly on the stonework. She approached him slowly, her eyes holding his in an unmistakable hold. He watched her as she took the space next to him, staring off across the river. She curled her fingers around the railing and leaned against it.

"It's been a long time."

"It hasn't been that long."

"Well yes, but I don't have the luxury of eternity. Six years is a long time in my life." He watched her out of the corner of his eyes as she rubbed a finger across the surface of the railing.

"You've changed." He didn't mean her age or her looks. Those had changed but he was thinking of her demeanor. She was hardened now, a shell of what she used to be. There was no light coming from her anymore, no smile, and no warmth. She was much too cold to be Elena.

"Maybe. We've dealt with a lot."

"What are you doing here Elena?" He had to know why she sought him out tonight, why she was here. She could have left the party and stayed away. She could have remembered him as he was years ago.

"Would you believe I missed you?" He barely heard her as she whispered those words. He said nothing, opting to stare out over the water. Could she have missed him? After all these years, could she actually care about him? He tasted the salt in the air before he saw it. One tear rolled down her flawless cheek, falling to the dark stone beneath them.

"Elena?"

"You left me. You told me you would always choose me but you left! You left when I needed you most." Her hands curled into fists, clenched to her sides. She wasn't a little kitten anymore. She was a lioness, hurt and angry, but fiesty and strong. He could still smell her tears in the air, the salt mixing with her unique scent. He felt the anger diminish, the defeat invade her body. After all these years she was facing the one thing that had never been resolved. She was searching for an answer she needed.

He crushed her to him suddenly, his lips fusing to hers. That one kiss when he had been dying had been nothing. It hadn't prepared him for her taste, her scent, her emotions. He exploded with feeling, his heart reaching out for the one it recognized as its owner. She melted in his arms, her hands bundled against him. She grasped at his chest as he hauled her to him, the missing piece to his heart.

"I left for you," he whispered as he pulled back from her lips. Her hands rested lightly on his shoulders as continued to hold her. "I left so you could move on with your life and find happiness. We shouldn't have stayed there as long as we did. We shouldn't have invaded your life." She reached up to caress his face. It seemed softer to her now, the lines of his face seemed to disappear. He looked younger to her if that was possible.

"It shouldn't have been your decision."

"I had to give you a chance Elena. I had to leave after Stefan agreed to join Klaus. I had to..."

"You went looking for him, didn't you?" She was much too clever sometimes. No matter how much the Salvatore brothers had fought and hated each other, in the end Damon loved his baby brother. Of course, he had gone looking and had tried to maintain hope. "Did you find him?"

"Yes. I found him after a year of searching." It had been painful for him to leave Stefan. It had hurt him to see what his brother had become. "He wasn't Stefan any more Elena. He was this creature, this Ripper. He wasn't my brother and he wasn't the man you loved. He was Klaus's man now."

"What happened?" She looked up at him with that questioning look, those eyes coaxing the answer from him. He could refuse her nothing, after all. He sighed quietly, resting his face against the top of her head.

"He knew I was coming. He was expecting me. He made it quite clear that he wanted nothing to do with me or with any part of his old life. He...tortured me for awhile, delighting in it. He threatened me with everything, playing and hurting wherever he could. He let me go after a year with a threat to keep me away."

"What did he threaten you with?"

"You. He knew it was always you. We knew where you were then, since you were still in Virginia. He wouldn't just hurt you Elena, he would turn you. He knew you didn't want to turn and he would have made you. He would have kept you as punishment to me. I couldn't let him Elena. I couldn't let him ruin you because of me."

"Stop! Stop thinking about what could have happened. We knew it was a possibility Stefan would be too far gone. I just wish we could have saved him from himself." She grew quiet as she nuzzled against him, seeking his comfort. He obliged her, curling his arms around her protectively. A light breeze jostled their clothes gently and he wrapped his arms tighter to help keep her bare shoulders warm.

"Why are you here Elena, in Paris?"

"A job. I had to get out of there, away from everything and I leapt at the opportunity."

"What about your life?" She said nothing for long moments and he allowed the silence. He was too busy committing everything he could to memory. He memorized her smell, her touch, her movements.

"What life?" She scoffed. "I haven't had one in years. After Stefan left, after you left, there wasn't much left."

"What about Bonnie, Caroline, and Ric?" She pulled back from him and turned away for a moment rubbing her hands over her arms. He felt her withdraw but he gave it to her. She needed a moment.

"Nothing stayed normal for long, after all that. We started our senior year together, just getting through the way we knew how. Tyler never returned but he stayed in contact with Caroline for the most part. Matt wanted nothing to do with any of us so we lost touch. About mid-way through that year Bonnie and Jeremy broke up."

"They seemed good together. What happened?"

"Consequences of that spell to bring Jeremy back to life is what happened. He was seeing ghosts or figments and they took over his life. There were warnings and unfinished business. It drove them apart. Bonnie left for college in Texas to get away. She needed to exist outside of her magic for awhile."

"So she left you all...I underestimated her." She turned back to him with that sadness enveloping her.

"Yes. Caroline followed. She went to be with Tyler, hoping they could adjust to their supernatural lives together. Ric got a job at Duke teaching history with a concentration in supernatural history. He left next. Jeremy got into an art school in Pennsylvania and he left. No one comes home anymore and no one calls. We lost touch." They had all left her. Everyone had left her in the span of a year or two and she was left holding the bag. After all everyone had done to protect her, they all needed to move on. They all needed a chance at something outside of their youth.

"How long did you stay?"

"Almost three years. I went to a local college thinking maybe...just, maybe..."

"We would come back," he whispered softly. She had been waiting for them, hoping time would heal them enough to come home.

"I left a year ago to write for an online magazine. I've been here since and I've heard from Jeremy once. I got a text from Caroline six months ago but I...no one else though." He moved closer to her again, tugging her into his arms. He kissed her then, passionately and furiously. She melted against him once more, her arms tangling around him as she clutched him to her.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left you. I'm sorry I made a decision for you again."

She laughed a little at that statement. A slight glow came back into her eyes and for a moment he saw the old Elena. He lifted her gently, spinning her as he kissed her with abandon, pleased she wasn't pushing him away. His fingers tangled in her hair, tilting her head to the side for better access.

"I live a few blocks from here," she said as she broke away from his insistent mouth. He stared at her, trying to understand her meaning. She couldn't mean...could she? "Do you want to come back to my place?"

His answer was a kiss, soft and sweet, and not an example of how they would be in a matter of a few minutes. He paused briefly to ask her the address, the place where he might finally feel at home.

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>He had her against her front door within a few minutes, her head thudding against the dark surface. He shot her an apologetic look but she brushed it off, pulling him in closer to her. Her legs were wrapped tightly against him, her heels digging into his back. She pulled at his jacket, unbuttoning each button quickly.<br>"Shouldn't we go inside?" He moaned against her lips. She didn't answer him except to scratch his scalp as she tried to pull him into her. His hands dropped down her body, trailing over every available inch of skin. She tasted like his favorite bourbon and he wondered how she found it. He had trouble finding a bottle even with his compulsion but she somehow had one.  
>"Please come in Damon! I want you." He heard her double meaning the moment the words left her lips. He was invited to more than her home. He had the door open and they tumbled through it quickly, sliding to the floor beneath them. He cushioned her head as they fell to the floor, his body cradled between her arms and her thighs.<br>"I'm going to make you scream tonight, until you know that no one else will ever be good enough for you." He punctuated his statement by ripping the center of her dress so it fell from her, unwrapping her like a present. He breathed deeply against her neck, trying to savor this moment before he gazed at the woman he loved. She reached up and rubbed his face gently, tugging on his hair.  
>He pulled back gently and pulled his shirt from his body, closing his eyes as he did so. He would memorize this moment to last him a lifetime. His eyes opened slowly and he glanced down at her dilated pupils. Her eyes watched him softly as she relaxed against the hardwood floors, allowing him the time to look at her. She knew what this meant for him. She understood what this meant for them.<br>She was beyond beautiful. Her lines were soft, her breasts warm and inviting. Her nipples were rosy, hardened peaks that begged for his attention. Her skin was a deeper olive tone telling him she spent a lot of time in the sun. Her skin was warm and taut as he remembered it. She was slightly thinner than he remembered but it had been a long, stressful time in her life and he hoped she would grow healthier over time. His eyes paused on her flat stomach, a small scar from a surgery. His eyes darted to hers.  
>"Appendix when I was 20," she whispered. His fingers trailed down lower to the tops of her thighs. He paused as he stared at the apex of her thighs, the place he had thought about for years. he trailed one finger down her body, ending where they both wanted it most. She arched up to meet him, lips parting in pleasure as she closed her eyes. "Look familiar?"<br>"Don't compare...not now. It's just you and me," he whispered. For once in his life he didn't want to be tied to some person from his past, to the betrayals they had suffered. Tonight it was about them and only the magic existing between them. He pulled back from her and lifted her into his arms. It was a small studio apartment, cramped but cozy, and he wanted her in a bed. He moved her to the small double bed and fell into her. He didn't have time for finesse and elegance. He was too ready for her, needing her too much.  
>Before he began to enjoy her soft cries and tugs on his shoulders, he finished undressing. He blanketed her body with his, cool skin meeting hot skin. Their lips met again as his hardness pressed intimately against her inner thigh. He could feel her readiness, her eagerness, and he wondered if he would wake up alone in his room after a wonderful dream. She pulled him back into the present when she pressed her lips to his ear. She was everywhere, touching, kissing, pleasing him.<br>He pulled back slightly, lining himself up for the first thrust. He grabbed her hands and held them over her head, wrapping each fist around the iron headboard. She arched prettily as he moved his hands to her hips. He paused, breathed deeply, and edged forward. Each inch was heaven as he moved farther into her. She cried out as he took his time, allowing her to adjust to him.  
>He was bigger than the two men she had been with and she needed a moment. He swore low in his throat as she gripped him tightly. He dropped down over her and kissed her once he was deeply seated in her. Her legs wrapped around him, her heels digging into his back. Her eyes were watching him, large and emotional. They delved into his soul, begging him to stay, begging him to never leave again.<br>"Arch your hips, Elena." She groaned lightly as she did, and he moaned loudly. That was much better. He began his movements slowly, shallow thrusts followed by deep thrusts. This was better than he ever could have imagined. Then he felt it. She wasn't on vervain and her mind opened to him. His eyes shot to hers and she nodded.  
>His eyes closed as he kissed her, entering her mind and finding what she was thinking about. They were on his bed, him dying from the werewolf bite and they were talking. He was telling her about meeting her in 1864. He was telling her he loved her. She was telling him, she accepted him as he was then. And for the moment their lips touched that first time, he felt her love. For a second, it was him and not Stefan she loved. For a second, she was his.<br>Their eyes met as he pulled back, searching for that moment in her eyes. He kept searching as their movements sped up, their movements growing frantic. Her eyes held his, strong and unwavering. The headboard hit the wall a few times and they ignored the pounding back they received. They kept it up, slowly and surely but soon he felt the tightening of her body.  
>She cried out, nearly screaming as she came. Her hands left the headboard pulling him down for a kiss, her chocolate eyes meeting his ice-blue gaze. He saw it then, the moment their lips touched. Her love answered his gaze and he knew she had loved him for six years.<br>It seemed a lifetime suddenly. All this time, all these years, he could have had her. She hadn't wanted someone else. She hadn't wanted a normal life. She had wanted her love returned. The first man left her because of his brother and the second man left her for her. No one had considered her. No one stayed and no one fought. They had said they'd never give her up, never leave, never stop loving her and somehow both brothers had done just that.  
>He thrust one last time and finished, collapsing against her sweat-slicked skin. She held him gently, cradling him against her. Her fingers stroked his hair gently, patting down his wet hair. He accepted the comfort even when he should have been comforting her. He felt the evening out of her breath, the tension leaving her hand as it fell against his head. He lay there, cradled against her, holding her.<br>The night wore on, the lights around them going out, until it was only some distant city lights shining in through her window. All night he held her, moving off of her and cradling her in his arms. She was peaceful all night, sleeping soundly and barely moving. He stroked her hair, rubbed his fingers down her back, and entered her mind occasionally to quiet a forming nightmare.

He looked around the small studio apartment and took in the surroundings. There were a few pictures on the mantle, one of Bonnie and Caroline, one of her parents and Jeremy, and one of her with himself and Stefan. He remembered that weekend. It had been before Klaus and before everything had gone wrong. It was one weekend the three of them spent together at the Boarding House. She had an arm around both of them, running quickly over once the timer had been set.

Her closet was open, a few recognizable outfits but mostly lounge-wear. She didn't go out much. Her kitchen was heavily-used, a pile of clean dishes drying on the rack. A small chest was open in the corner, the only indication she was aware of the supernatural. A few stakes were attached to the top and a package of vervain was in the there. He could smell a few basic protective ingredients and noticed a few books in the box.

Her journal was on a table nearby but by the thick layer of dust on it, he was sure she hadn't used it. A small office was set up in a corner with a table and laptop on it. He turned to watch the sunrise and watched as the light crept over her body. The white sheets were wrapped around her body like ivy and soon her tan skin shimmered in the light.

"You're still here," she said quietly. He looked down at her opening eyes and he smiled at her. She seemed confused by his good humor, sitting up slightly and stretching. Her arms were over her head and he watched as the sheet tumbled from her breasts. He reached out and grabbed one hand, bringing it to his lips.

"Did you think I would leave?"

"Maybe..."

"Tell me about your work." She glanced up at him and then her eyes darted to the laptop. She looked back quickly and settled against him again. He put one hand on her stomach and the other on her thigh. It wasn't completely comfortable but he needed to touch her.

"I write opinion pieces as I travel. Mostly I just report on things that go on in Paris. I have some freedom since it's only a lifestyle piece. It's a job."

"You don't like it?"

"I wanted to write a novel, you know. I have a preliminary outline but I have no inspiration."

"The city of love is giving you no inspiration?"

"You need love for that. For me it's just a city. I was a tourist for two weeks and then done." He sighed at her tone. She wasn't the Elena he remembered and he wondered if he could find her again. "So why did you stay?"

"I didn't have a reason to leave. I wanted to stay." That was all they said for awhile. They spent the day in bed, eating breakfast and lunch on the bed. They laughed about past events over eggs and toast. They discussed childhood dreams over cold cuts and potato chips. By dinner they were discussing her novel. It was an interesting concept, a fantasy-based world completely unrelated to her supernatural past. It was good but it needed inspiration.

"When will you leave?"

"Why are you done using my body shamelessly?"

"Um...I believe you used my body shamelessly." He chuckled lightly at her since she was the one perched on his stomach. She had just finished eating bits of sushi off his chest and now they were choosing to indulge another hunger.

This time they were slower, taking nearly an hour to enjoy each other. Finally she collapsed on top of him, her skin slick from the heavy excitement he had brought her to. He kissed her forehead before looking over at the clock. It was still relatively early and he needed to talk to her about something.

"Would you leave Paris?"

"Why would I leave Paris? She sat back up and he watched her as she stood abruptly, pacing the floor by the bed. "Is there a reason that I should leave?"

"Come to Italy with me." She froze and turned to him, her whole body seeming to tremble.

"What?"

"Come to Italy with me. Write your novel, get away from this, and spend time with me."

"You want me to come with you?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I never should have left. I never should have tried to stay away and now I'm not going to waste anymore time." He jumped out of bed and pulled her against him. "I don't want to lose you this time. I still love you Elena and I'm not giving up."

"You still want me...after all this time? What if I'm not...what if I'm not what you want anymore?" He tilted her head up and kissed her nose.

"Of course I do. I only left to give you a chance at something normal but obviously you love it when I touch you." She scoffed lightly but he continued. "I think we deserve this don't you? We deserve to actually live for the first time in six years." He watched as the sparkle returned to her eyes from all those years ago, a smile forming on her face.

"When do we leave?"

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A/N: Writer's Block sucks. I'm working on both stories right now but I'm stuck. I'm hoping to have at least one chapter for next week but we'll see.

http:/tsukikomew(dot)blogspot(dot)com

Please let me know what you think of this one-shot I wrote for TwilightElena!


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